Apple Schmear
by Agent Thewman
Summary: Harry invites Snape to a Weasley tradition the twins invented. It hasn't been thought about since before Ron's first year at Hogwarts, but the twins are bringing it back. What do they have up their sleeves? minor slash HP/SS


A/N: *insert drum roll*

Here is our very first fic! It is intended to make you laugh, and is merely something we thought up as were playing the game ourselves one cool autumn evening.

Though there is very minor slash it follows cannon rather well, that and a few reserection of characters.

Enjoy!

"Come on please?" green pleading eyes met unpersuasive black ones.

"I refuse to partake in such childish activities." Severus turned to leave the room, but was once again plagued by the younger man's pleas.

"It's not childish, it's fun!" Harry pouted, but Severus seemed immune.

"Well I am sure that it will be much more fun without my involvement in your childish game."

"But every one will be there; it's a tradition of some sort. Every year they play apple shmear in the orchard."

Severus had slowly grown accustomed to the Weasley's many traditions. There was annual Muggle Appreciation Day and Harry's participation in the weekly de-gnoming of the garden, but this had just gone too far.

"What I Merlin's name is _apple shmear_?"

"if you would just come you'll find out," Harry said his smile matching his cheeky tone. Severus scowled.

"I would very much like to be informed about this absurd tradition before I agree to partake in it." Harry sighed.

"Fine, keep in mind though when Ron told me this it was my second year, he only gave me an overview on how to play it and how the game came to be, and since most of the Weasley kids were in school they stopped hosting it." Severus nodded, motioning for Harry to continue. "When the twins were only eight they went snooping in Arthur's shed full of muggle junk. Long story short, Fred found a tennis racquet, started to chase George with it. When George tried to defend himself against his brother with apples Fred swung at them like a cricket player thus Apple Shmear was born." Severus still looked highly under impressed.

"I still cannot grasp how Molly would allow those twins to play the game and take part herself." After many years Severus knew for a fact that anything invented by Fred and George was rarely allowed by Mrs. Weasley.

"Well it wasn't like they're causing mass destruction to a Hogwarts commode and sending her the seat. It was really Mr. Weasley and Ron who talked her into joining the first time they played. Anyway they stopped after Ron left for Hogwarts and this is the first year they started to play since then. That's why it's so important. Besides you owe me Severus."

"What do you mean I owe you?" Severus inquired with a raised eyebrow. "I recently recall the time you forced me to that Qudditch match between the Chudley Cannons and Puddlemere United."

"That was for Ron's birthday, and besides I was the one forced to attend Potion Con with you. And just so you know I really don't care if the Elixir to Induce Euphoria is stronger with one more or one less slice of ginger root! I believe it is you who owes me Severus," Harry could vividly remember the convention being worse then Lockhart's classes. Severus harrumphed knowing he had lost this particular argument.

* * *

"Welcome—"

"Ladies and trolls—"

"To he Weasley's—"

"Kinda—"

"Somewhat—"

"But not really—"

"Forgotten—"

"Sometimes annual—"

"Apple Shmear competition!" everyone laughed at he twins antics of taking turns talking into a stick with an impaled apple as a microphone.

"The rules are simple,"

"Who ever catches the largest apple chunk—"

"Gets to bat next!"

"Our lovely mother will be all time pitcher—"

"While our expecting sister-in-law will play as referee."

"She will have the duty of judging whose apple piece is bigger."

"The charming Fleur will act as cheerleader—"

"Besides her everyone must play." Severus frowned at the twins; his plan of just watching was dashed.

"And remember people—"

"_No magic_!" they finished in unison. "So let the game begin!" when the twins finished their opening speech Severus marched over to Hermione hoping to switch roles with her.

"Mrs. Weasley," Severus started.

"Please professor, it's Hermione." Severus smirked.

"Only if you call me Severus." Hermione smiled.

"Of course Severus, what do you need?"

"I was only wondering if you would be interested in altering our roles in this game. I have no real wish to play." Hermione smile widened and her eyes sparkled, she was well known for her knack of keeping unruly Weasley's in line.

"Oh I would love to play Severus, but as you know I am rather pregnant." She placed her hands upon her swelled stomach.

_Damnit_! He was locked in. Because Voldemort would have to freeze over hell before he ever took up the title of cheerleader.

"Come on Severus!" Harry called. "We have to get good spots!" Harry jogged to the middle of the field not too far from Severus's spot under the colorful apple tree, sporting its beautiful fall foliage. Harry decided to leave the sulking man alone for Harry knew he was lucky the older wizard was even there to begin with.

After winning a coin toss with Charlie, Bill was the first up to bat. He cockily tapped the racquet against each of his shoes like an American baseball player. "Bring it on mum!" Molly immediately showed off her strong Prewett arm and threw the first apple rushing past Bill.

"Come on Bill," she teased, "I know you can do better than that." Cheers from Fleur could be heard in the background.

"Show 'er 'ow well you can hit zat silly piece of fruit Billy bear!" she cried.

"Yeah Billy bear!"

""Show mum 'ow eet iz done!" Bill's twin brothers teased the eldest of the Weasley children. With cheeks and tips of ears as red as hair, Bill gripped onto the handle of the racquet, pulling it behind his shoulder, giving his propped out tush an extra shake.

Molly took her arm and launched the apple towards her son, showing the same amount of mercy as before. With a whoosh, a wet thick crack, and the twang of tight wires the outfield jumped to life like a kicked anthill.

Both twins ran for what was obviously the biggest chunk of apple but were knocked to the ground by Charlie's muscular arms as he caught the piece. "That's not fair!" they yelled in unison. Hermione rushed over to compare the apple chunks.

"Well it looks like Charlie has the biggest piece. I also checked the rules over and according to the both of you," she stared at the twins who were still lying on the ground, "there is no rule that prohibits the use of body parts to knock over your opponent." Fred and George scowled in unison as they got up and brushed themselves off.

"Fine. You better watch yourself Charlie. As I recall you once stating, revenge is sweet," Fred warned his elder brother.

"You forget little brothers; I've lived with you for a long while. I know your tricks," Charlie called over his shoulder as he jogged to take his older brother's place. The mischievous twins looked at one another, eyes sparkling with a gleam that most people took as insanity.

Charlie took several practice swings with the unusual instrument before feeling satisfied. Fleur cheered for him dutifully, but had noticeably less enthusiasm then she had for Bill.

"Just think eet iz you little brothers Charlie!" Fred and George sullenly looked over at Fleur.

Molly drew back her arm to throw the first pitch. Charlie hit the fruit with ease and admired his beautiful hit. The chunks flew throughout the orchard and once again Hermione came over to check the sizes. "It looks like Arthur has the biggest piece," she stated.

Arthur walked over and took the racket from his son. He stood and admired the muggle object. After a few coughs and clearing of throats he returned to the game. "All right honey, I'm ready." With a fond smile Molly tossed the apple gently to her husband.

"Admirable swing Miseour Weasley!" Fleur called. The apple didn't get very far nor chunk up much too much. Only Ron, Ginny, and Dean were able to snag a piece. After a long look it was finally decided that Ron had the largest piece. Ginny tried to protest but knew she wasn't going to win. Ron grabbed the racquet from his father and looked at his sister.

"Let me show you how it's done little sister," Ron called to her as he walked to the spot everyone had batted from. Ginny rolled her eyes at him. Ron hit his apple, it not going too much father then his father's. Ginny grinned with triumph when Hermione declared her apple chunk the larges caught.

"Watch and learn Won-Won," she said. Ron cringed at the old nickname that Ginny would never let him live down.

Molly threw the apple and Ginny crushed it, slicing the apple into several different hunks. Charlie started for a piece before finding the ground rushing up to meet him as he tripped over Fred's foot, leaving his twin to catch the portion of apple.

Charlie scowled at his brothers. Fred smirked when he saw Charlie's face. He put out his hand to help his brother up. Stupidly Charlie accepted and quickly his face got reacquainted with the dirt. Hermione deemed George's bit the largest as Charlie helped himself up.

"Make a new friend?" George asked pointing to a rather large slug that clung to the front of Charlie's shirt. Dark eyes watched George laugh as he walked up to bat. The pale wizard sighted with annoyance as he was asked another questioned by the seven and eight year old witch and wizard.

"How long have you and Uncle Harry been together?" the questions, which started out with his age and favorite color, were becoming rather personal.

"Since before you were born," he clipped to the small boy with short, spiky, green hair,

"Ma mama et papa sleeps in the same bed," Victoire said slipping French into her sentence. "Do you and Uncle Harry sleep in the same bed?" Severus glared down at the little girl's boldness.

"Seeing how it would foolish for Harry and myself to have two beds in our personal chambers, the only logical course of action is to have one bed in our chambers." The girl looked up at Severus, his lengthy sentence having the desired affect.

"Huh? She asked.

"Severus watch out!" Harry called. Severus instinctively put both hands up in front of his face to protect himself. He felt something hard and wet his hit his palm and his fingers curled around it. As he expected the object in his hand his stomach filled with dread when he recognized a rather large piece of apple.

"Wow Uncle Severus! You're really good at catching!" Teddy said from behind the tree.

"Severus, are you okay?" Harry asked walking over, concern written all over his face.

"I am fine," Severus assured him. "I believe this is yours." He held out the chunk of apple. Harry grinned calling Hermione over to them.

"Has Severus caught the biggest piece?" she asked.

"I think so," Severus groaned inwardly. He never had any intention to bat.

"Congratulations Severus, you're up next." Severus hardly felt congratulated. George came up behind her and handed Severus the racket with a large smile. Harry tried to give him a few pointers, but Severus brushed past him.

"Just let me get this over with," he snarled as he moodily walked to stand in front of Molly.

"I'll take it easy on you Severus," Molly said from her stop. "I know you've never played."

"Just throw the blasted thing," Severus growled. Molly nodded before throwing the fruit just as she had for her husband. Severus swung the racket hard, putting all of his aggravation into it. The racket made contact with the apple and silence feel over the field.

Dozens of small apple bits rained down over the group, leaving nothing left to really catch. The tennis racket hung in Severus's hand loosely and he grew uncomfortable under everyone's stares of disbelief. Finally:

"Go Uncle Severus!" Teddy and Victoire cheered. Soon everyone else was clapping as well. With red cheeks Severus tried to hand the racket over to the closest person.

"Sorry Snape—"

"No one caught anything—"

"You've got to hit again!" the twins explained.

"You're making up the rules as you go along!" Severus accused. The twins shrugged.

"Out game—"

"Our rules."

"Fine," Severus seethed. "Throw another bloody apple!" Molly gave Severus a dirty look for his language before tossing him another, this one a bit harder, but the result as the same.

Severus took his anger out on the fruit and everyone in the outfield felt the sense of déjà vu as they were showered with bits of apple yet again. This continued for several more pitches until Severus, who as tumbling with anger, noticed Hermione's lips moving every time he took a swing. Severus bit the inside of his cheek as he swung again, wandlessly and wordlessly overpowering Hermione's charm. Severus's actions had the desired effect when he looked to find the apple hadn't even left the racket, instead embedding itself onto the wires.

"Bloody hell!" Dean exclaimed. "How did that happen?" a look of amusement flashed over Severus's face. The same phenomenon happened for the following pitches. It was getting rather tiring. Finally Harry's infamous temper made its appearance.

"Knock it off Severus!" he yelled. Those who hadn't had a chance to bat grumbled in agreement.

"I believe those are the rules," Severus said with a smirk.

"They are, but this is getting out of hand," Hermione spoke up.

"Then you should not have spelled the apples I hit to explode!" Severus snapped angrily. Hermione had the decency to look ashamed.

"Oi! Snape! Watch yourself," Ron warned coming in from the field. He didn't like how the bat was talking to his wife.

"There's no need to snap at him," Harry said coming to his partner's aid.

"As if need your defense, Potter, "Snape growled.

"You expect me to let him talk to you like that?"

"Get over yourselves all four of you!" Percy ordered tired of the bickering already. He just wanted to get to work.

"Just let them at it," Bill said good-heartedly. He seemed amused by their argument.

"Unlike you William, I have more important things to do then hang around here all day," Percy sniffed.

"Yes, yes you 'ave to keep your nose from becoming too brown from following your bosses around all ze time!" Fleur commented. Everyone laughed when Percy huffed with anger, red blooming in his cheeks.

"They're only laughing because of your accent!" Percy said haughtily.

"That doesn't even make any sense you prat," Ginny said with a glare. She and Fleur had gotten close over the years and Ginny knew how self-conscious Fleur was about her accent when she was around the Weasley family.

"Ginny this has nothing to do with you, for once stay out of it."

"Fleur's her friend, not to mention sister-in-law, she has every right to stand up for her," Dean said heatedly.

"Don't you speak to my perfect Percy like that," Molly suddenly huffed.

"Mum!" Ginny cried. "Leave Dean alone! You can't yell at him."

"Ginerva," Arthur said sternly. "You will not speak to your mother like that." It was perhaps one of the only times Arthur had reprimanded his daughter.

"Well she does have a point," Charlie popped in. "Dean is the guest, mum really shouldn't yell at him.

Voices grew louder as the group got angrier. Ron, Hermione, Harry and Severus argued back and forth. Fleur, Bill and Percy threw insults at one another while Molly, Arthur, Ginny and Dean all yelled at one another, Charlie adding his input sparingly.

"Well what do you think Fred?"

"I think we've outdone ourselves," Fred said pleased. George smiled widely as he leaned against his twin, resting an elbow on his shoulder.

"I think you are right. Definitely better then blowing up Myrtle's toilet."

"I wonder who'll want to partake in our kinda—"

"Somewhat—"

"But not really—"

"Forgotten—"

"Sometimes annual—"

"Pumpkin chuckin' competition?" George finished their sometimes scary twin thing. Their laughs were drowned out by the angry shouts.

* * *

A/N: Silly we know but take it or leave it, but if you're leaveing something please leave us some reviews! They're always much appreciated!

Agent Thewman


End file.
